Last week I mentioned that things would be getting a bit more real around here, and that I would be starting a
new post series every first Friday of the month called “Fit Friday” (working title). I also mentioned that I would
be sharing the reasons why health and fitness are so important to me to begin
with. In order to understand that, I have to share a story that is not just
deeply personal to me, but defines who I am today, soooo, here we go.
***
Growing up, I was overweight. I knew it,
my doctors knew it, my parents knew it, and my bullies definitely knew it. I was
told it was something I would grow in to and that it was just “baby weight." I figured this to be true, so I waited and waited
for that day when I would wake up and not be fat. As I waited for this magical day, a bit overweight in middle school became very overweight by the end of high school and obese by the end of my
Freshman year of college, when I gained 40 pounds.
Initially, my health was not a concern to me. I was more interested in losing weight as a way to free myself from the taunts of my peers and to be able to shop where and how I wanted. I'd heard of diabetes and high blood pressure, but considered them "old people problems," and nothing for me to worry about. (The thinking of a 12 year old.) However, as time passed by and I gained more weight, that changed. I was completely out of shape and by the time I was a Junior in high
school, I was on the verge of diabetes. Trips to doctors and specialists,
nutritionists, countless gym memberships, multiple attempts at Weight Watchers,
and my favorite, a fat camp, yielded results for awhile, but my growing frustrations would cause me to give up and the weight would return.
Soon my thyroid came into question. I had no idea what or where my thyroid even was, but I went along with the notion (though not officially diagnosed) that I probably had a slow metabolism. I went along with it because deep down, I knew that it wasn't my thyroid that was causing me to gain weight.
What many did not know was that I was extremely depressed. I didn’t fit in, was
bullied, and had low self-esteem. I was scared of being a failure and not measuring
up to ridiculously high standards. I had dreams and goals, but never the
ambition or motivation enough to achieve them. I felt lost, hopeless, and alone. I was simply going through the motions of life, hoping and praying that one day, things would change on their own. I
dealt with all of these feelings by eating. A lot. I was an emotional binge eater, a vicious cycle that made me feel good and
bad at the same time. I knew I had to change, but I didn't even know where to begin.
In 2010, I started to have a breakthrough. My
parents and I had just come back from a cruise and while I had a great time,
when I looked at the pictures from formal night, I broke down. I was disgusted and
appalled at what I saw. How did let myself get this way? Staring at that photo, it was more than just my size and a faux-happy smile that was staring back at me. It was everything that my weight was a result of: sadness, anger, hurt. I began to cry. I didn't want to be that person anymore, whoever she was. No, I was done with being that person any longer. I needed to make a plan. I went out the next day and bought a scale and set three goals
for myself: drink water, cut out excess sugar, and start moving. I
kept with it the best I could, (between working and school and commuting from opposite ends of the earth) and from September
to December, I lost 10 pounds.
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| The photos that started it all, 2010. |
While I was still somewhat sticking to my original plan it was in March of 2011 when I had a full and complete breakthrough. It was during my spring break from school (or as I like to call it "eureka week"), that something finally clicked. I was ready. I was finally motivated and determined on my own accord to change my life once and for all. I spent that week working out in the morning and making my grand plan during the day. I figured out times to get exercise in before or after class, ways to not feel deprived with healthier food choices that were delicious (no steamed chicken and broccoli here!), and most importantly, ways to completely free myself from the negativity of the past that held me back and lead me to binge eat. Even though I had made many attempts before, this time felt different. I just knew that this time, it was going to happen.
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| Cruise 2011, Christmas 2011, Spring 2012 |
Over the next two years, my life began to change. I was learning what it meant to be truly happy and confident. I was starting to believe in myself and my dreams and began working toward them. With each pound I lost, I gained some new perspective and learned something knew about myself. What started out as a journey to lose the weight, soon became a personal journey of self-discovery.
I also lost over 100 pounds.
Sometimes I wish I had connected the dots sooner and gotten to this point at an earlier time in my life (I know, I'm talking like I'm so old!), but I am a firm believer that sometimes things happen in life for a reason. I am so grateful for the struggle, because it brought me to where I am today and for the first time in my life, I can truly say that I know what it is to love myself.
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| then and a much happier now. |
Thank you for reading! xx
