Don't Let a Slip Become a Slide.

While every birthday is one worth celebrating, there are certainly milestone years that are extra special. Thirteen is the first year as a teenager. Eighteen means your a legal adult that can vote. Twenty-one means being able to buy alcohol...legally, and so on and so forth. It goes on and on (until, you know...), with each year holding a different meaning and significance to everyone. 

Turning twenty-four was a very strange year for me that could only be describe as a limbo year; everything just felt so uncertain. From graduating college to job hunting, to being in a weird place with different friendships, and figuring out my own self and what I wanted from life, I felt like I was going through that awkward stage of puberty all over again (which let's be real, it wasn't fun the first time around). I definitely asked my mother to house me in her womb again, to which I got maaaajor side eye. While I felt happy with the growth and progress I was making in various aspects of my life, it was often plagued by feelings of sadness and anger that I was not further along in life, and all of the emotions that come with a quarter-life crisis. 

But the last year has been a great lesson, and an even bigger turning point for me. I learned the importance of not letting my circumstances define me, and I finally began to come in to my own, realizing what it is I want out of life, who I want in my life, and feeling safe and secure within my own skin. Most importantly, I finally stopped letting insignificant things take so much control over me. Insignificant things such as my weight. Yes, in the past my weight has been an issue when it involved my health, but that's just it, in the past. I used to be absolutely terrified of gaining the weight back, but when I realized recently that I had gained a few pounds this past summer, (I never said my summer diet was the best...) I shrugged it off and went about my merry way. Not because I'm reverting back to old my ways (defffffinitely not), but because I know I won't "let a slip become a slide," and that a few pounds in the grand scheme of things is temporary and mean nothing. They may indicate all of the delicious food I've consumed this summer, but they don't define me or how I feel about myself.

Twenty-five feels like my official entry into adulthood, and already I feel differently, even if my birthday is still days away. Whatever it may bring, I am ready to go in to this next chapter of my life, happy and finally free of the stigma that has plagued me for so long. No matter what the scale or a clothing tag may say, they no longer define me.

 I do.

*original image via. 

My Weight Loss Journey

Last week I mentioned that things would be getting a bit more real around here, and that I would be starting a new post series every first Friday of the month called  “Fit Friday” (working title). I also mentioned that I would be sharing the reasons why health and fitness are so important to me to begin with. In order to understand that, I have to share a story that is not just deeply personal to me, but defines who I am today, soooo, here we go.

***

Growing up, I was overweight. I knew it, my doctors knew it, my parents knew it, and my bullies definitely knew it. I was told it was something I would grow in to and that it was just “baby weight."  I figured this to be true, so I waited and waited for that day when I would wake up and not be fat. As I waited for this magical day, a bit overweight in middle school became very overweight by the end of high school and obese by the end of my Freshman year of college, when I gained 40 pounds.

Initially, my health was not a concern to me. I was more interested in losing weight as a way to free myself from the taunts of my peers and to be able to shop where and how I wanted. I'd heard of diabetes and high blood pressure, but considered them "old people problems," and nothing for me to worry about. (The thinking of a 12 year old.) However, as time passed by and I gained more weight, that changed. I was completely out of shape and by the time I was a Junior in high school, I was on the verge of diabetes. Trips to doctors and specialists, nutritionists, countless gym memberships, multiple attempts at Weight Watchers, and my favorite, a fat camp, yielded results for awhile, but my growing frustrations would cause me to give up and the weight would return. 

Soon my thyroid came into question. I had no idea what or where my thyroid even was, but I went along with the notion (though not officially diagnosed) that I probably had a slow metabolism. I went along with it because deep down, I knew that it wasn't my thyroid that was causing me to gain weight.

What many did not know was that I was extremely depressed. I didn’t fit in, was bullied, and had low self-esteem. I was scared of being a failure and not measuring up to ridiculously high standards. I had dreams and goals, but never the ambition or motivation enough to achieve them. I felt lost, hopeless, and alone. I was simply going through the motions of life, hoping and praying that one day, things would change on their own. I dealt with all of these feelings by eating. A lot. I was an emotional binge eater, a vicious cycle that made me feel good and bad at the same time. I knew I had to change, but I didn't even know where to begin. 

In 2010, I started to have a breakthrough. My parents and I had just come back from a cruise and while I had a great time, when I looked at the pictures from formal night, I broke down. I was disgusted and appalled at what I saw. How did let myself get this way? Staring at that photo, it was more than just my size and a faux-happy smile that was staring back at me. It was everything that my weight was a result of: sadness, anger, hurt. I began to cry. I didn't want to be that person anymore, whoever she was. No, I was done with being that person any longer. I needed to make a plan. I went out the next day and bought a scale and set three goals for myself: drink water, cut out excess sugar, and start moving. I kept with it the best I could, (between working and school and commuting from opposite ends of the earth) and from September to December, I lost 10 pounds. 

The photos that started it all, 2010. 

While I was still somewhat sticking to my original plan it was in March of 2011 when I had a full and complete breakthrough. It was during my spring break from school (or as I like to call it "eureka week"), that something finally clicked. I was ready. I was finally motivated and determined on my own accord to change my life once and for all. I spent that week working out in the morning and making my grand plan during the day. I figured out times to get exercise in before or after class, ways to not feel deprived with healthier food choices that were delicious (no steamed chicken and broccoli here!), and most importantly, ways to completely free myself from the negativity of the past that held me back and lead me to binge eat. Even though I had made many attempts before, this time felt different. I just knew that this time, it was going to happen. 

Cruise 2011, Christmas 2011, Spring 2012

Over the next two years, my life began to change. I was learning what it meant to be truly happy and confident. I was starting to believe in myself and my dreams and began working toward them. With each pound I lost, I gained some new perspective and learned something knew about myself. What started out as a journey to lose the weight, soon became a personal journey of self-discovery.

I also lost over 100 pounds.

Sometimes I wish I had connected the dots sooner and gotten to this point at an earlier time in my life (I know, I'm talking like I'm so old!), but I am a firm believer that sometimes things happen in life for a reason. I am so grateful for the struggle, because it brought me to where I am today and for the first time in my life, I can truly say that I know what it is to love myself.

then and a much happier now. 

Thank you for reading! xx

Managing Healthy Goals and the Holidays.

via

With the holiday season in full swing, one thing I've been getting asked quite often is not what I want for Christmas, (am I too old for that?) but what it is I eat during the holidays. Based on their reactions, I know the answer I give people shocks them.

Because my answer is everything. I eat everything during the holidays.